Humor Writer Kills Self Because Everybody Says His Writing “Sounds Like An Onion Article”

Rock Cellar Magazine

Artisan Town, Southern California

Sick and tired of everyone telling him his writing “sounds like an Onion article,” humor writer Dixon B. Tweenerlegs committed suicide yesterday by fighting a gorilla, which was the exact subject of an Onion parody piece in October of 2009.

Sheriff’s department spokesman Steve Hannah said Tweenerlegs’ mangled, writer’s-body was found torn in two – the top half inside a Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf in Studio City, the bottom half draped over a table outside a Starbucks in West Hollywood. “You don’t often see suicidal writer’s body parts spread so far apart,” observed Hannah [no relation to Onion CEO Steve Hannah].  “The suicide note helped us put the pieces together,” Hannah added, winking.

Tweenerlegs joins a growing segment of humor writers who can’t get published by the used-to-be-funny-Onion, but who still face the ridicule of being told day after day that their writing sounds “just like an Onion article!”

Hannah notes “It’s widely known in the artsy-fartsy circles that The Onion does not accept unsolicited freelance contributions.  Many humor writers whose writing sounds just like The Onion cannot actually be published in The Onion, so unfortunately, many of them take their own lives by gorillas and similar means.”

In the repetitive, unfunny suicide note that sounds eerily similar to an Onion article, Tweenerlegs recounts the misery of being an unemployed humor writer who could never compose a single shred of writing without it being compared The Onion.

“Since when did all works of satire, parody, farce, mockery, spoofs and send-ups become the sole property of The Onion?!” says the suicide note, reclining casually next to a dog-eared copy of Roget’s Thesaurus.  “Who died and made The Onion ‘King of All Humor?!’” the note continues, in a whiny tone.

“So what if my articles all start with a tremendous title and premise only then to deteriorate into a rambling repetition of that same premise over and over” continued the suicide note, defensively.

Humor archivist Will Tracy [no relation to Onion editor Will Tracy] from the Satire History Institute Team points out that historical satirists H.L. Mencken, Ambrose Bierce, P.G. Wodehouse and Mark Twain faced similar obstacles in their respective eras.

Oscar Wilde, reached beyond the grave by his publicist/medium, agreed: “Verily, in my day it was the same – the publication was called The Puckered Potato.  I couldn’t get any of my whimsy published there, despite everyone telling me that my humor sounded just like a Puckered Potato piece.”

Associated Press managing editor Will Tracy [no relation to Onion editor Will Tracy] shares the sentiment:  “Do you know what it’s like being told – daily – that our actual AP news stories ‘sound like Onion articles?’  It’s like The Onion gets all the credit for anything funny that happens anywhere.  Even in real news!”

When contacted at their luxurious high-rise offices, spokesmen for The Onion responded “we do not accept unsolicited freelance questions from members of the media.”

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